Mothers day 2010

Wow, how sad.  I woke up sad at 630 am.  showered, did a load of laundry, cleaned the bathroom sinks, straightend the kitchen, got the cards out and ready, did my hair and make up.  Then finally at 930 Kels came down stairs, she gave me a nittany lion paw print charm.  

Ass hole is still in other garage sleeping off last nite, we have brunch reservations that I made in an hour.  

10 am still sad.  I need to start working out and eating healthy again, it really affects my mood.  Beside the fact that my DH wants a divorce, we are broke and he is an asshole to me daily.  Oh life is not good now.

Still Alone

Still sleeping alone and just being alone.  I have no one to love me, it is sooo lonely.

Attorney

So tomorrow I go see an attorney. But I dont know why I am going.  He told me to, he told me he wants a divorce or to be separated.  He wont sleep in our bed, which is fine cause he was always so dirty.  He tells me that he wants the house after 5 years and that if he cant have it he will burn it down, nice.

I am taking my dad with me, not sure why.  To help me to remember stuff I guess.  Dont know what good it is doing seeing a lawyer.  Just to cause more stress for myself, more to worry about.

Reason

Didn't come home until 330 am, had left at 9 am to go to "work"  or to just escape, not that I blame him for not wanting to hang with me an a Sunday, he was with Jimmy and Sue who probably know everything.  So it is awkward at family gatherings, I dont know who else knows, we have 3 weddings this summer to go to.  My stomach is upset over this today and  I feel the anxiety kicking in too.  I have no one to talk to, my friends are tired of listening, I need to  shit or get off the pot.  The problem is I could just stay on the pot forever or at least until I know I can leave.  Maybe he will leave.  I need to go see a lawyer.  I will call. I am scared shitless.

Hmmm

It is weird how he is up and down in and out all around. I need to backtrack, today is Sunday, he left at 9am to work and it is 1033 pm and he is not home, I did invite him to the movies with the fam and he declined.

Yesterday: he slept on couch last nite, he did not go out last nite which was weird cause he had a couple invites, he stayed in one room and I in another until he went down to sleep in the basement.  But then Justin and steven came home and went down there so he came up to the couch.

Friday: I had a jewelry party and at the party someone told me they heard that I want a divorce. So that is what he is telling people.  But also today he is being nice to me and blowing me kisses

Thursday: he told me he is going to see a lawyer, he cant take being married to me anymore

I will never be happy if I stay with him. I want a divorce. I want to be happy. He drains me of all happiness

I cried

I cried today.  It was in the evening actually, there is a lot that leads up to it but basically it comes down to we do not get along at all.  I havent cried in a long time but I am off Prozac now so I can feel my emotions more I guess.

See I was upset and I started to medidate to calm myself down, I had on my ipod with my meditation music and I was about 2 songs in when tears started slowly rolling down my face.
As the music progressed I cried harder.  But its okay, I was aknowleding my sadness, cant ignore it that is for sure.  So I left and went for a walk at Frontier and I felt so much better afterwards.

Reasons

When I knew that this marriage was not right.

1. When he would make me go to pick up our child on a blizzardy night instead of him, more than once.

2. When he first started going out and not coming home for 12 hours, no phone call, kids worried and crying, kids calling him and him not answering phone. It happens so often now , I dont care and no one cries. It is what it is.

3. The lying and deceipt. I have founds 3000 dollars in cash over the last year, that he has hidden, Im sure there is a lot more .

4. The lies about purchases, aka fire truck for 15,000.00

5. The time he left our son in a closed up truck in 90 degree weather, asleep. ASSHOLE!

6. He is so gross and dirty and does not care. Yuck

therapy

I went to see my therepist today, and I went feeling all excited about telling her how good I felt. How good I feel inspite of my suck ass marriage. But afterwards I didnt feel so good. Why is that? I mean I guess I am just solidifying the fact that I have zero relationship with my "husband" and that I am ok with that. THAT does not feel too good. But I am at a much better place with myself than I have been in a few years.

Passive Aggressive

I just read the meaning of the condition and He definetly is. Not that he will admit it or seek help but atleast I know that I am not crazy.

Thankyou blog you help me alot. I live in my head all the time, now I can get out of my head and into the whole world anonymously.

I just read a book that made my cry, it was about a woman who is married to the love of her life for only 11 years when he dies. It was so sad and I thought maybe it is better to not have anyone than to love someone who may not be there someday.

He is gross.

Can I say how gross he is? He sits down to eat with grease all over his hands and up his arms, he wears his greasy work clothes to dinner even though he is done working for the day. I cant even look at him, he is so disgusting. Then AFTER dinner, he washed his hands. Yuck.

I have adapted

I would say that I have adapted to this weird marriage. It feels like I am the Landlord and he is a resident here. He basically only sleeps here, but he does pay for everything . It s a weird way to live. But this morning as I was hiding Easter Baskets as he slept onthe couch, and last nite as I put them togehter as he was out drinking, or yesterday as the kids and I colored eggs as he was out on a motorcylce ride with his friends, I was calm and accepting of it all. I have adapted.

sad

I dont know why allof a sudden Im sad. Hmm, its the day before Easter and he is renting a motorcycle and going for an all day ride with his friends. But why do I even care? I guess things like this just solidify the fact that I have no marriage. Today I have a very heavy heart, havent felt this in a while.

On a lighter note my daughter is home for the weekend from college and I will be with my family for Easter tomorrow.

My marriage is strange, did I mention that he went out last night, friday of course and came home after the bars closed and is sleeping on the couch? It is 8 am I should wake him up so he can go but will I?

Daughter

Our daughter is not speaking to me for the first time, she is 17 and got a speeding ticket the other day, going 80 in a 55 zone in my red convertible, ugh! The thing is im not even yelling at her or grounding her for that. she was so upset when it happened and she is paying for the ticket. The reason she is mad at me, ironic right? She gets a ticket and she is mad at her father and I. For what? For talking to her, we told her she has to get herself more organized. the reason she was speeding is because she was late, as she always is. she oversleeps all the time and I checked her cell phone records and she is texting with her boyfriend till 1 am then not getting up in time for school and being tired all the time and sleeping after school and not keeping her roomclean or laundry done . we basically said we want her to just get more sleep and be more organized and she then stomped off to her room and is pissed at us. she is sleeping now, surprise!

I know he wants me to leave the house to him, he grew up here on this road and his whole family is here. But I have been here for 21 years and it is my home too, if I hated it here I would leavein a heartbeat but I am not ready yet, maybe someday.

It is 830 am, I just woke up, he is not on the couch but sleeping in the other garage where we have a very nice roomwith nice couches to sleep on. I guess that is what he will do for now.

It hurts my heart knowing this is my marriage, I ask God over and over again. WHY, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

He told me today that he cant sleep with me anymore, and he talked about how we need to just get a divorce but he will lose everything, i said I dont want that, I dont want to hurt him. He said that it is bad either way, staying together or divorcing, he cried too. He was prob still drunk, it was early in the morn and he had been out all nite. He is still out now at 11 pm, he has been gone all day. this is my normal, it is sad.

I had a dream last nite that we were fighting over stupid stuff and he was being very controlling, not allowing me to recycle~ But it brought up the old feelings of havng no control around him that I get physical and hit him. I have done that in the past because he shows no emotion yet he hurts me soo much and I would cry and cry and he would just be a ston eand sit there, never comforting me. wow, this brings back old feelings and now I know that I have been going thru this for soo long, the big change came when I stopped crying. After one session where I was crying so hard, crying because he was emotionless and uncaring and unloving, I was crying so hard that there was blood coming out of my nose. I thought i ruptured something in my head, who knows what it was. But that is when I knew that I had to start worrying about myself and if he didnt love me then I would love myself.

When I stopped the crying and the begging for him to love me I turned cold i guess, i began to protect myself and that is when the problems really began, when HE became unhappy.

I dont want a bliss filled perfect marriage, I will settle for an okay one. Just like every friday nite he is out at the bar until closing time and I am home. I dont have to stay home of course but I am not a partier, sometimes I go to a movie or to the book store or shopping. He will come home around 3 and sleep on the couch and I will get up and go to yoga.

Things were better when I was the only one unhappy and he was fine.

Why does he suck all the happiness out of me? Why do I allow it? Last week I was flying high, so happy and content. He said that we can not afford a divorce and we willl= stay together but do our own t hing, like we always have. And now he is all sad and moody and wants me to tell him what I want so we can divorce. He goes back and forth , has for years.

3

Everything around me is mine/ours and it makes me sad that my life is so entertwined with his and there is no way out, its like I cant have my life without sharing his. Why not divorce? so many reasons. kids, business, finances.............I am stuck, we are stuck.

He is as unhappy as I am. and I feel bad for him, I wish I could love him and make it all better for all of us....

first entry

It is sad to have to do this but I think it may be good therapy for me. I doubt anyone will ever read this but if there are readers I would like to know if I am not alone in my situation.

I really hope that I am anonymous