Mothers day 2010

Wow, how sad.  I woke up sad at 630 am.  showered, did a load of laundry, cleaned the bathroom sinks, straightend the kitchen, got the cards out and ready, did my hair and make up.  Then finally at 930 Kels came down stairs, she gave me a nittany lion paw print charm.  

Ass hole is still in other garage sleeping off last nite, we have brunch reservations that I made in an hour.  

10 am still sad.  I need to start working out and eating healthy again, it really affects my mood.  Beside the fact that my DH wants a divorce, we are broke and he is an asshole to me daily.  Oh life is not good now.

Still Alone

Still sleeping alone and just being alone.  I have no one to love me, it is sooo lonely.

Attorney

So tomorrow I go see an attorney. But I dont know why I am going.  He told me to, he told me he wants a divorce or to be separated.  He wont sleep in our bed, which is fine cause he was always so dirty.  He tells me that he wants the house after 5 years and that if he cant have it he will burn it down, nice.

I am taking my dad with me, not sure why.  To help me to remember stuff I guess.  Dont know what good it is doing seeing a lawyer.  Just to cause more stress for myself, more to worry about.

Reason

Didn't come home until 330 am, had left at 9 am to go to "work"  or to just escape, not that I blame him for not wanting to hang with me an a Sunday, he was with Jimmy and Sue who probably know everything.  So it is awkward at family gatherings, I dont know who else knows, we have 3 weddings this summer to go to.  My stomach is upset over this today and  I feel the anxiety kicking in too.  I have no one to talk to, my friends are tired of listening, I need to  shit or get off the pot.  The problem is I could just stay on the pot forever or at least until I know I can leave.  Maybe he will leave.  I need to go see a lawyer.  I will call. I am scared shitless.

Hmmm

It is weird how he is up and down in and out all around. I need to backtrack, today is Sunday, he left at 9am to work and it is 1033 pm and he is not home, I did invite him to the movies with the fam and he declined.

Yesterday: he slept on couch last nite, he did not go out last nite which was weird cause he had a couple invites, he stayed in one room and I in another until he went down to sleep in the basement.  But then Justin and steven came home and went down there so he came up to the couch.

Friday: I had a jewelry party and at the party someone told me they heard that I want a divorce. So that is what he is telling people.  But also today he is being nice to me and blowing me kisses

Thursday: he told me he is going to see a lawyer, he cant take being married to me anymore

I will never be happy if I stay with him. I want a divorce. I want to be happy. He drains me of all happiness

I cried

I cried today.  It was in the evening actually, there is a lot that leads up to it but basically it comes down to we do not get along at all.  I havent cried in a long time but I am off Prozac now so I can feel my emotions more I guess.

See I was upset and I started to medidate to calm myself down, I had on my ipod with my meditation music and I was about 2 songs in when tears started slowly rolling down my face.
As the music progressed I cried harder.  But its okay, I was aknowleding my sadness, cant ignore it that is for sure.  So I left and went for a walk at Frontier and I felt so much better afterwards.