Attorney

So tomorrow I go see an attorney. But I dont know why I am going.  He told me to, he told me he wants a divorce or to be separated.  He wont sleep in our bed, which is fine cause he was always so dirty.  He tells me that he wants the house after 5 years and that if he cant have it he will burn it down, nice.

I am taking my dad with me, not sure why.  To help me to remember stuff I guess.  Dont know what good it is doing seeing a lawyer.  Just to cause more stress for myself, more to worry about.

Reason

Didn't come home until 330 am, had left at 9 am to go to "work"  or to just escape, not that I blame him for not wanting to hang with me an a Sunday, he was with Jimmy and Sue who probably know everything.  So it is awkward at family gatherings, I dont know who else knows, we have 3 weddings this summer to go to.  My stomach is upset over this today and  I feel the anxiety kicking in too.  I have no one to talk to, my friends are tired of listening, I need to  shit or get off the pot.  The problem is I could just stay on the pot forever or at least until I know I can leave.  Maybe he will leave.  I need to go see a lawyer.  I will call. I am scared shitless.

Hmmm

It is weird how he is up and down in and out all around. I need to backtrack, today is Sunday, he left at 9am to work and it is 1033 pm and he is not home, I did invite him to the movies with the fam and he declined.

Yesterday: he slept on couch last nite, he did not go out last nite which was weird cause he had a couple invites, he stayed in one room and I in another until he went down to sleep in the basement.  But then Justin and steven came home and went down there so he came up to the couch.

Friday: I had a jewelry party and at the party someone told me they heard that I want a divorce. So that is what he is telling people.  But also today he is being nice to me and blowing me kisses

Thursday: he told me he is going to see a lawyer, he cant take being married to me anymore

I will never be happy if I stay with him. I want a divorce. I want to be happy. He drains me of all happiness

I cried

I cried today.  It was in the evening actually, there is a lot that leads up to it but basically it comes down to we do not get along at all.  I havent cried in a long time but I am off Prozac now so I can feel my emotions more I guess.

See I was upset and I started to medidate to calm myself down, I had on my ipod with my meditation music and I was about 2 songs in when tears started slowly rolling down my face.
As the music progressed I cried harder.  But its okay, I was aknowleding my sadness, cant ignore it that is for sure.  So I left and went for a walk at Frontier and I felt so much better afterwards.

Reasons

When I knew that this marriage was not right.

1. When he would make me go to pick up our child on a blizzardy night instead of him, more than once.

2. When he first started going out and not coming home for 12 hours, no phone call, kids worried and crying, kids calling him and him not answering phone. It happens so often now , I dont care and no one cries. It is what it is.

3. The lying and deceipt. I have founds 3000 dollars in cash over the last year, that he has hidden, Im sure there is a lot more .

4. The lies about purchases, aka fire truck for 15,000.00

5. The time he left our son in a closed up truck in 90 degree weather, asleep. ASSHOLE!

6. He is so gross and dirty and does not care. Yuck

therapy

I went to see my therepist today, and I went feeling all excited about telling her how good I felt. How good I feel inspite of my suck ass marriage. But afterwards I didnt feel so good. Why is that? I mean I guess I am just solidifying the fact that I have zero relationship with my "husband" and that I am ok with that. THAT does not feel too good. But I am at a much better place with myself than I have been in a few years.

Passive Aggressive

I just read the meaning of the condition and He definetly is. Not that he will admit it or seek help but atleast I know that I am not crazy.

Thankyou blog you help me alot. I live in my head all the time, now I can get out of my head and into the whole world anonymously.

I just read a book that made my cry, it was about a woman who is married to the love of her life for only 11 years when he dies. It was so sad and I thought maybe it is better to not have anyone than to love someone who may not be there someday.

He is gross.

Can I say how gross he is? He sits down to eat with grease all over his hands and up his arms, he wears his greasy work clothes to dinner even though he is done working for the day. I cant even look at him, he is so disgusting. Then AFTER dinner, he washed his hands. Yuck.

I have adapted

I would say that I have adapted to this weird marriage. It feels like I am the Landlord and he is a resident here. He basically only sleeps here, but he does pay for everything . It s a weird way to live. But this morning as I was hiding Easter Baskets as he slept onthe couch, and last nite as I put them togehter as he was out drinking, or yesterday as the kids and I colored eggs as he was out on a motorcylce ride with his friends, I was calm and accepting of it all. I have adapted.

sad

I dont know why allof a sudden Im sad. Hmm, its the day before Easter and he is renting a motorcycle and going for an all day ride with his friends. But why do I even care? I guess things like this just solidify the fact that I have no marriage. Today I have a very heavy heart, havent felt this in a while.

On a lighter note my daughter is home for the weekend from college and I will be with my family for Easter tomorrow.

My marriage is strange, did I mention that he went out last night, friday of course and came home after the bars closed and is sleeping on the couch? It is 8 am I should wake him up so he can go but will I?