Daughter

Our daughter is not speaking to me for the first time, she is 17 and got a speeding ticket the other day, going 80 in a 55 zone in my red convertible, ugh! The thing is im not even yelling at her or grounding her for that. she was so upset when it happened and she is paying for the ticket. The reason she is mad at me, ironic right? She gets a ticket and she is mad at her father and I. For what? For talking to her, we told her she has to get herself more organized. the reason she was speeding is because she was late, as she always is. she oversleeps all the time and I checked her cell phone records and she is texting with her boyfriend till 1 am then not getting up in time for school and being tired all the time and sleeping after school and not keeping her roomclean or laundry done . we basically said we want her to just get more sleep and be more organized and she then stomped off to her room and is pissed at us. she is sleeping now, surprise!

I know he wants me to leave the house to him, he grew up here on this road and his whole family is here. But I have been here for 21 years and it is my home too, if I hated it here I would leavein a heartbeat but I am not ready yet, maybe someday.

It is 830 am, I just woke up, he is not on the couch but sleeping in the other garage where we have a very nice roomwith nice couches to sleep on. I guess that is what he will do for now.

It hurts my heart knowing this is my marriage, I ask God over and over again. WHY, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

He told me today that he cant sleep with me anymore, and he talked about how we need to just get a divorce but he will lose everything, i said I dont want that, I dont want to hurt him. He said that it is bad either way, staying together or divorcing, he cried too. He was prob still drunk, it was early in the morn and he had been out all nite. He is still out now at 11 pm, he has been gone all day. this is my normal, it is sad.

I had a dream last nite that we were fighting over stupid stuff and he was being very controlling, not allowing me to recycle~ But it brought up the old feelings of havng no control around him that I get physical and hit him. I have done that in the past because he shows no emotion yet he hurts me soo much and I would cry and cry and he would just be a ston eand sit there, never comforting me. wow, this brings back old feelings and now I know that I have been going thru this for soo long, the big change came when I stopped crying. After one session where I was crying so hard, crying because he was emotionless and uncaring and unloving, I was crying so hard that there was blood coming out of my nose. I thought i ruptured something in my head, who knows what it was. But that is when I knew that I had to start worrying about myself and if he didnt love me then I would love myself.

When I stopped the crying and the begging for him to love me I turned cold i guess, i began to protect myself and that is when the problems really began, when HE became unhappy.

I dont want a bliss filled perfect marriage, I will settle for an okay one. Just like every friday nite he is out at the bar until closing time and I am home. I dont have to stay home of course but I am not a partier, sometimes I go to a movie or to the book store or shopping. He will come home around 3 and sleep on the couch and I will get up and go to yoga.

Things were better when I was the only one unhappy and he was fine.

Why does he suck all the happiness out of me? Why do I allow it? Last week I was flying high, so happy and content. He said that we can not afford a divorce and we willl= stay together but do our own t hing, like we always have. And now he is all sad and moody and wants me to tell him what I want so we can divorce. He goes back and forth , has for years.

3

Everything around me is mine/ours and it makes me sad that my life is so entertwined with his and there is no way out, its like I cant have my life without sharing his. Why not divorce? so many reasons. kids, business, finances.............I am stuck, we are stuck.

He is as unhappy as I am. and I feel bad for him, I wish I could love him and make it all better for all of us....

first entry

It is sad to have to do this but I think it may be good therapy for me. I doubt anyone will ever read this but if there are readers I would like to know if I am not alone in my situation.

I really hope that I am anonymous